Crickets. That’s what I’m listening to right now. They’re so loud here that when I called Mr. Errata for our evening chat (which has become quite short now that we’ve realized what it is costing us) he asked if I was sitting outside. I might as well sit outside; these walls don’t seem to keep out the noise, or the critters themselves for that matter. My morning routine now includes a visual sweep of the bathroom for crickets, spiders, and the like. I should be focusing on my theory reading but I’m distracted. It isn’t the crickets really; it’s this overwhelming sense of displacement. I don’t feel at home. I suppose that is to be expected. I’m not home. I made my first stab at cooking a meal this evening. The owner of the home wasn’t here, so I felt a little bit better about poking through all of the cabinets trying to find a can opener and a strainer. The large skillet I found was a bit… unclean. I decided a quick wash before using it couldn’t hurt, but the sponge looked like a health hazard as did the rag draped over the faucet. Frustrated, I cut up one of my new face clothes into small swatches so that I can have a few bits of cloth to wash my dishes with. Of course, I have to bring them back into my room and place them on the edge of my mini laundry basket to dry; I don’t want the homeowner (what should I call her?) to know that I find her kitchen habits less than satisfactory. Despite the awkwardness of cooking in a kitchen that is not my own, it was nice to have a hot dish for dinner. It would be nicer not to eat it alone on my bed. I have to remind myself that this is just temporary.
Classes start tomorrow. To be honest, I’m nervous. I know that they wouldn’t have let me in if they didn’t think I could handle it; I know that they truly want me to succeed here. My success is in their best interest. Still, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that somehow it was all a mistake, that I’m not really ready. What if I make a fool of myself? What if my research interests are not significant enough? What if this choice is just another line on a long list of errors? I suppose we’ll find out in about 15 weeks time. Wish me luck.
Congratulations on post-grad school. I don’t know if you have high speed internet access available to you or not, but if you do you might want to check out Skype. It’s a voice over IP program that allows two users with the software installed to talk to each other free using a computer’s microphone and speakers. It might be a possible alternative to long distance phone charges.
sadly, I don’t have internet access of any kind at the house I’m living in now. The phone bill will improve (and I’ll have internet access at home) once we buy our new place and Mr. Errata is out here with me.
“Still, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that somehow it was all a mistake, that I’m not really ready. What if I make a fool of myself?”
It’s called the Imposter Syndrome. And I promise you, every single grad student goes through it. You’re normal, and you’ll be great!